Episode 11: Playmates, Playdates, Pressure and Performance

pineapples on the beach

Our First Four-way!

Our first four-way … podcast, that is! Phoenix Phyre and Crimson Dragonfly – our playmates and quarantine couple – join us for a round table discussion about playdates, pressure, and performance in the lifestyle. The four of us share some sexy, some serious, some fun, and funny stories and talk about the different times we’ve all felt the pressure to perform for our play partners. 

The Struggle is Real

He Said …

Performance anxiety can affect both men and women. Tristan and Phoenix Phyre discuss the pressure men in the lifestyle tend to put on themselves. They share stories about past experiences and talk about some of the common reasons they personally experience performance anxiety and what they do when they can’t perform for their partners.

From the mental component to Viagra to alcohol consumption, Tristan and Phoenix Phyre review different strategies they use to help prepare themselves for play dates. and make some suggestions about what ladies can do and say when their partner is experiencing performance issues.

She Said …

Myrina and Crimson Dragonfly talk about how they experience pressure and performance anxiety in the lifestyle. They discuss how they handle preparing for a party and the pressure some women feel to have an orgasm when they play. They also discuss how they’ve handled these experiences in the past and what they’ve done when they’ve experienced issues.

Head Games

The bottom line – yes, there are times when we all don’t feel like we can perform to the level we’d like with our partners, and yes, there are physical reasons it might happen. But the reality is, the majority of the time performance issues are more mental than physical.

We take a deep dive into the head games and the stories we tell ourselves when things seem to not be going as planned.  Then the four of us discuss ways that men and women in the lifestyle can let our play partners know that things aren’t going well for us or that our time with that person is over – a tough conversation to have!

Added Bonus

Be sure to stay tuned to the outtake at the very, very end of the episode… it’s a good one! You can also read Tristan’s blog about performance anxiety here: Tristan’s Blog on Performance Anxiety in the Lifestyle (coming soon!)

In this episode we discuss:

  • the biggest takeaway … it’s very common, it happens, it’s not a big deal
  • how to handle the surprise when your dick doesn’t get hard
  • physical reasons you may experience performance issues
  • mental reasons you may experience performance issues
  • from monogamy (no condoms) to condoms
  • things women can say or do to help when a partner has a performance issue
  • myth of the opposite sex: we don’t always cum
  • the mental gymnastics we play
  • how to talk to your partner when you’re not going to cum (or have already) and you’re ready to be done playing

“Oh my God, that was awesome, let’s go get a drink and a snack.”

~ Phoenix Phyre, Episode 11, 84:24.


What was the best part of this episode?

Please let us know in the comments section below!


  • updates and exciting things happening in 2021 [2:00]
  • our round table guests Phoenix Phyre and Crimson Dragonfly [6:47]
  • Phoenix Phyre and Crimson Dragonfly introduce themselves [8:29]
  • the first time for 4 of us met (spoiler alert – no fireworks … *this* time!) [11:05]
  • let’s talk about performance anxiety! [15:12]
  • it happens, it’s very common, it’s not a big deal [15:41]
  • if the first thing you do is begin to critique yourself you’re not going down the path that’s going to help you relax and get through it [18:18]
  • you don’t know when it’s coming, you also don’t know when it’s suddenly going to just fix itself [20:03]
  • if the guy is not having a good time everybody in the room knows it [21:29]
  • the moment we realize there is a problem is when the dick doesn’t get hard [23:44]
  • physical reasons why men may experience erectile issues [25:35]
  • the dynamics of where you are: playroom, club, house party, people chatting [29:00]
  • I can’t get my brain in the right spot and I need my brain in the right spot for the rest of my body to be in the right place [29:16]
  • when you move from monogamy to non-monogamy … the use of condoms [29:33]
  • being caught off guard & asked to wear a condom; how that can instantly shut someone down [34:19]
  • should a man always assume you’re going to need to wear a condom? [34:42]
  • there are a lot of things a woman can do and say that will either help or hurt very quickly [35:26]
  • “if you’re in a position where someone asks you to put a condom on, whether you expect it or not, if you’re challenged in that moment about accomplishing that, a graceful partner can help you through that very quickly.” [35:32]
  • one thing I would want men to understand, if your dick isn’t working but you’re willing to jump back in …. then it doesn’t have to be the end of the evening [39:10]
  • in that moment where we’re trying our best and its not going well, if what you say is encouraging or in any way supportive, that goes a long way. If what you say is dismissive, it’s pretty much over. [41:26]
  • he OVER apologized, to the point where I felt really uncomfortable [43:30]
  • 2 things: both wrapped around how your body is responding to whatever is stimulating you at that moment [44:29]
  • performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction is usually seen as the inability to get hard on but it is also you can get a hard-on but just never cum – that can be perceived as a problem too [44:36]
  • I never realized that men would get hard and could have sex and could not cum; I did not know that that was a thing [45:54]
  • not knowing that that was ok made me feel like I wasn’t doing a good job also [47:00]
  • your play partner begins to judge herself based on YOUR performance [47:16]
  • (when it comes to performance anxiety) it’s more about what you’re thinking about what’s going on and so much less about what is really going on [47:28]
  • I’m just used up. … That’s where better living through creative chemistry starts to come into play [49:30]
  • talking to your doctor about getting vasodialators like Viagra or Cialis [49:54]
  • if your doctor isn’t supportive of your lifestyle, you should probably get a new doctor [53:16]
  • Myrina tells her story about talking to her doctor [53:10]
  • Practice, practice, practice with condoms [57:02]
  • “Why don’t you practice with condoms with your girlfriend?” [59:30]
  • helping men put on condoms [61:38]
  • Phoenix Phyre talks about a play partner that puts a condom on him with her mouth [61:50]
  • Myrina and Crimson Dragonfly talk about practicing putting condoms on with their mouths (Tristan volunteers) [65:05]
  • the viagra is not an instant, magical cure-all. You have to plan in advance, be aware of what you’re eating and drinking, … [70:24]
  • women have performance issues too [72:28]
  • I struggle with how do I say “I’m done” without feeling that I’m going to hurt someone’s feelings [73:53]
  • now I have a performance issue because I think you have a performance issue, and I think it’s my fault [77:06]
  • “Tell us what’s going on. It is gold to have a play partner who has no reservations about saying “hey, grab that bottle of lube and come back”.” [77:58]
  • If I’m not going to have fireworks but I’m done, how do I ask if he is done? [81:21]
  • honesty with compassion is the way to go here [83:07]
  • Phoenix Phyre’s universal key phrase “Oh my God, that was awesome, let’s go get a drink and a snack.”. [84:24]


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3 thoughts on “Episode 11: Playmates, Playdates, Pressure and Performance

  1. LanaKane says:

    Can I say I love listening to you guys and just have a safety comment. Don’t use oil with condoms, it breaks them down. Otherwise I love coconut oil too!

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